And You Thought the Holidays Killed YOU???

I'm back...back from the dead. But I'm not a zombie or anything, so don't run away because of that. Run away for other reasons...like, I don't know ---I'm obnoxious, or maybe because I make fun of you after I talk to you.

It's CHRISTMAS...not Hanukkah (although it is), not Kwanzaa (made up, because every minority should have their own holiday)...it's not even Festivus, although I'm intrigued by the feats of strength, and telling people how much they've disappointed me. No, it's none of those. It's CHRISTMAS!! So when you see someone, you say "MERRY CHRISTMAS, (name inserted here)!" as loud as you can for everyone to hear. In fact, Wal-Mart is a good place to start. See how fast they swarm you, and take you to the back room with the dim light bulb. If you're in the ghetto, say "MERRY CHRISTMAS" as loud as you can. If you're in Israel, you say "MERRY CHRISTMAS" as loud as you can.

If you know anyone that is Politically Correct, tell them MERRY CHRISTMAS...in fact, yell it in their DAMN EAR! Say it in San Francisco, I dare you. Read the damn calendar. It doesn't matter if it's hot rods or pin-ups, December 25 is also labelled CHRISTMAS.

All you PC thugs, ACLU cardholders, and left-wing nutjobs can go STRAIGHT TO HELL ,BECAUSE IT'S CHRISTMAS!!!! Do you hear me? CHRISTMAS!! Do you get the point of this blog entry yet?? MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

In the News III

In Iraq, President Bush held a press conference with Iraqi President Nouri Al-Maliki, where he was accosted by an Iraqi reporter. The reporter threw his shoes at him, which, in Iraq, is considered a sign of contempt. After being ejected from the conference, and detained, the reporter stated, "He's lucky it was laundry day, because I was going to throw my underwear."

In celebrity news, Kanye West's performance on Saturday Night Live is being panned by critics because he opted to lip-synch rather than perform live vocals. When asked about this decision to lip-synch, Kanye replied, "What can I say, I've never been very good at singing. My real talent is in knitting and then pulling that wool over people's eyes."

In sports, the NHL suspended Dallas Stars defenseman Sean Avery 6 games for what they considered lewd comments directed at an ex-girlfriend now dating another player. The comment called the actress, Elisha Cuthbert, "sloppy seconds". In retaliation, the new boyfriend, Calgary Flames defenseman Dion Phaneuf, said of Avery, "Maybe now he'll have time to pursue that fashion career. Noooo, that's not gay at all."

Have a good upcoming week, everyone.

The Day the Planet Earth Stand Up Erection

Hey Baby, wake up from your asleep. My jeans are tight, and there's not much time.

Truer words have never been spoken. Seriously, I'll bet they've never been said.

Everybody Loves a Parade

So the annual Christmas parade took place here today. Wouldn't you know it, we had to go out shopping for a Christmas tree at the same time. The problem with that is every damn intersection I would normally pass through is ROADBLOCKED! I have to drive through every back street just to get to a non-parade intersection. Every year this happens. I'm putting parades #6 on my pet peeves list. Right behind shopping carts left in parking spaces (#5) and just ahead of jock itch (#7).

So, with that in mind, hear are my top 5 reasons for having a parade (other than being gay):

5. I-Just-Had-My-Semi Annual-Colonoscopy-with-Free-Suppository-Given-To-Me-After-Paying-the-Bill Parade (Grand Marshall: Paul the Angry Polyp)

4. Everybody-Look-At-Me-I-Know-How-To-Wave-And-Smile-While-Calling-You-Losers-Under-My-Breath Parade (with the award for Best Float going to Apathetic Beauty Queens for Whatever Charity You Make Me Sponsor).

3. Tupac-Shakur-Finally-Comes-Out-Of-Hiding Parade (with live cuts from his brand new double album "Fooled All Y'All, Sucka")

2. St Patrick's Day

1. I'm-26-Years-Old-And-I-Just-Had-My-First-Sexual-Experience (with the award for Most Inspirational Float going to I Just Replaced All of My Comic Books with These Robes and Massage Oils)

There you have it. Have a good Monday.

Don We Now Our GAY Apparel

You know, I was going to do the "news" but I haven't really seen any headlines that seem worthy of catching onto.

I was thinking about Christmas music, and to me, the most underappeciated song is Dogs Barking Jingle Bells.

I am in no way a traditionalist. I don't have any traditions, I don't much care for traditions. So when someone asks me what my favorite Christmas song is, I usually chime in with Dogs Barking Jingle Bells. So sue me. I like one-hit wonders. I was there with Dexy's Midnight Runners...I sang along with Right Said Fred...the Jingle Bell Dogs make me smile, and that's what Christmas is all about; smiling and receiving gifts.

When someone asks me what my favorite Christmas movie is I usually say this is...




I saw a Christmas tree in this movie. That makes it Christmas. OK?? Get over it!

The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins

I don't really have much to say. Work has been busy, so I'm mentally drained. I'm feeling uncreative and lazy so here's a damn video...




Any chance I get to mess with Trekkies...I TAKE IT! jIH 'oH ghobe' wa' is Klingon for SUCK IT, LOSERS!!