2012: Doomsday Indeed

Well, 2012 has been released, and as expected, it drew huge box office numbers in it's opening weekend. Whereas I can't tell people what to do with their money, that does not stop me from giving you my opinion of this "film".

People are suckers for movies that have stuff that blows up real good. Those are not my words; those are the words of countless moviegoers worldwide. Unfortunately, if the plot is lacking, or the dialogue sounds like it was written by eighth graders, or the character development comes out on the side of the mountain labelled "NONE", people will see your movie at least on opening weekend just to see buildings crumble and tsunamis hurl battleships into the White House.

I have a tendency to shy away from big budget films for this reason, unless word-of-mouth gets around enough about it's actual quality being favorable. I have not seen Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen or GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra because all I've heard is "a lot of action"; what I haven't heard is "a lot of good dialogue/chacacter development/plot/action". An action film CAN have all of these: for example: Iron Man, The Dark Knight, Hellboy II, and some classics such as Die Hard, Speed. I'm a big fan of all of these films, and they show that you can have a complete film in between scenes of stuff blowing up real good.

If there is ONE person out there who I can actually SAVE from wasting their time and money with 2012, let me suggest an alternative for you this week: go see Paranormal Activity or even the Michael Jackson flick. However, if your woman/man wants to drag you to see The Fourth Kind or Couples Retreat, by all means, go to 2012...maybe a tsunami of common sense will hurl them into the back wall of the theatre.

Whine Flu

So, you have Swine Flu, eh? Or H1N1 in it's medical terms. How do you feel? Do you ache? Do you have a fever? Stuffy, runny nose? Have you been to the doctor? Did they tell you that you have Swine Flu? Are you and your family anxiously awaiting that vaccination that was promised to you?



If it's one thing I can't stand it's how everyone becomes a hypochondriac when the "Disease of the Week" comes out. IT'S REGULAR FLU WITH A NOT-SO-FANCY NAME! You will not die if you get it. Stay home, do NOT go to the emergency room, or fill up the doctor's office because all they will do is send you home with some Tamiflu. Leave the hospitals for the REAL emergencies.

Why are they making vaccines for this stuff? Because people are freakin' paranoid, that's why. The vaccines are probably just sugar and water anyway.

You want to know why all those people in Mexico died from this flu? Because it's MEXICO! You know the saying about Mexican water: "If it's brown, drink it down; if it's black, send it back".

So, let's recap: Swine flu + paranoia x 67,000,000 = regular flu - common sense + 23b (where b = square root of the number of people wearing their ass on their head, which denotes how silly people look running to their doctor for the REGULAR FLU).

There's a Shape of an 'L' on Your Forehead

Here we go again. I don't play politics. I don't give a damn about the environment, or health care, or a war playing out several thousand miles away from my home. I don't care that there's a Democrat in office, or that there was a Republican there for 8 years before that, or a different Democrat in there 8 years before that. I don't care that the President is black, nor do I care for the media that reports that he's still black after a year being elected. I don't care if Fox News is "evil" of even if they are "fair and balanced". They still report on the damn Balloon Boy so that makes them just as bad as CNN and MSNBC.

These are topics that are so argumentative, that they are mundane. People take sides because, in the end, people are judgmental. People believe in their own self-righteousness, that they believe their self-righteousness to be justified, and therefore are qualified to talk on various political subjects. Oh yeah, Smart Guy? Well, why aren't you in the Senate voting in favor of the Health Care bill instead of making videos from your dank, lonely bedroom on a webcam that you bought from your money you made from trading in your Playstation 3 games that you spent 36 freakin' hours trying to beat? Then you post these lame videos on Youtube with nothing but your face, and the backdrop of your dank, lonely bedroom (which, by the way, is still in Mom's house). And you call yourself an expert on the topic? The only expertise I see there, Champ, is Twinkie-grabbing; and that could be an innuendo as well as the actual truth.

Here are topics that we, the common folk, SHOULD be experts on: showers (debatable for some), eating stuff, words that begin with the letter 'F' or 'S', the number of nude scenes in Porky's (never seen it), how many cans can we pull out from the shelf before they all fall down on the floor, fixing a flat, convincing our wives we can fix a flat, convincing our wives the flat is fixed while trying to drown out that sound with the stereo...and let us not forget, putting the seat down.

So, to all you YouTubers who post your own video commentary on subjects that you absolutely are not qualified to handle...your impact on society is the equivalent of a grain of salt landing on the beach. Have fun preaching to an audience of one...your mom!

CJ

Halloween Spirit '09

Well, those of you who know me, know how much I declare Halloween a non-event holiday. Do I need to go over the reasons why I dislike Halloween? Halloween is dead to me...DEAD!! In sixth grade, I put on a baseball cap, sweatpants and carried a baseball bat. How's that for imagination? So to all of you carrying around your head under your arm, or to the two-person horse costume, or to the New Waterford (hometown) original, the orange DEVCO jumpsuit with the stupid scary old man mask, I dedicate this column to you...you creative jerks!

Here are some costumes that were better left on the Shelf of Never-Ending Stupidity:




1. Ah, the hardcore Star Wars fan. Where would I be without you? This guy forgot to cut out holes for his arms; now how is he going to put his arm around his much hotter date? Oh wait...

Also, that is quite the huge, caved-in nipple he's got there. He better have this guy check it out:





2. This costume is quite confusing to me. You've got the undersized Tigger outfit, coupled with the equally undersized Spiderman underwear. Then you have the oh-so-homoerotic pose. If I were to guess, I would say that this costume represents the inner bouncy child inside every person (Tigger) and the desire everyone has to be the hero (Spiderman)...but I could be wrong and it's just the side effects of smoking crack at the home of Richard Simmons.




3. At first glance, I thought this was the World's Worst Silver Surfer Costume. But it's not. It's the World's Best Disguise to Hide From the Government. Plus he'll be too hot to touch when they finally catch him, and he would just melt the cuffs right off. Good costume, Bobby Brown!





4. OK...I don't have kids of my own, so maybe I don't understand why parents dress their toddlers up for Halloween. The baby doesn't know what's going on. I'm also assuming that the costume makes them very uncomfortable and cranky. So, this leads to my assumption that the parents do it for their own amusement. THINK OF THE CHILDREN! WON'T SOMEONE PLEASE THINK OF THE CHILDREN?? Or at least explain why you've decided to give this kid nightmares. Look at the eyes!





5. I give this guy 'A' for effort, and 'F' for all the sexual harassment lawsuits he's about to be served. I wonder if there is someone stupid enough to fall for this gimmick. Hmmmm....



Happy Halloween everyone.

Woot!! Guess Who's Back?

Wow, it's been "I don't how long" since I last posted anything on this worthless waste of cyberspace blog. I just lost the itch to commentate on anything. But I'm going to try harder this time, dammit, and I could use some feedback from you people out there. I'll be pimping this blog on Facebook, and if you like it , let me know. If you don't like it, let me know and THEN go to HELL!! Haha, just kidding...sense of humor alert!

So let's see...what is in the news...hmmm...oh, how about this one:

"Ballon Boy" dad, Richard Heene, at a recent photo shoot, allowed his infant son to be shot with a cigar and a beer bottle, and of course, he's taking more heat for that. When asked why he continues to milk his fifteen minutes through his children, he stated, "Look, all I want to do is let Macauley Culkin know that he is not alone in this world."




I heard that the kids are up for roles in the movie "The Hobbit"



Comments are appreciated and encouraged. I don't do this to satisfy myself, you know. Then I would be a crazy person muttering to himself.

Writer's Block

Okay...I thought about closing the blog for good. I just haven't felt like keeping up with it. I've got other things going on, and when I settle in for the evening, the last thing I think about is updating. So, if you follow me because you know me, of if you follow me because you stumbled upon the site, hang in there. I'll occasionally update when the brain allows.

If you have me on as a friend on Facebook, I'll let you know when I have an update.

Thanks for reading...now get on with your lives.

And You Thought the Holidays Killed YOU???

I'm back...back from the dead. But I'm not a zombie or anything, so don't run away because of that. Run away for other reasons...like, I don't know ---I'm obnoxious, or maybe because I make fun of you after I talk to you.

It's CHRISTMAS...not Hanukkah (although it is), not Kwanzaa (made up, because every minority should have their own holiday)...it's not even Festivus, although I'm intrigued by the feats of strength, and telling people how much they've disappointed me. No, it's none of those. It's CHRISTMAS!! So when you see someone, you say "MERRY CHRISTMAS, (name inserted here)!" as loud as you can for everyone to hear. In fact, Wal-Mart is a good place to start. See how fast they swarm you, and take you to the back room with the dim light bulb. If you're in the ghetto, say "MERRY CHRISTMAS" as loud as you can. If you're in Israel, you say "MERRY CHRISTMAS" as loud as you can.

If you know anyone that is Politically Correct, tell them MERRY CHRISTMAS...in fact, yell it in their DAMN EAR! Say it in San Francisco, I dare you. Read the damn calendar. It doesn't matter if it's hot rods or pin-ups, December 25 is also labelled CHRISTMAS.

All you PC thugs, ACLU cardholders, and left-wing nutjobs can go STRAIGHT TO HELL ,BECAUSE IT'S CHRISTMAS!!!! Do you hear me? CHRISTMAS!! Do you get the point of this blog entry yet?? MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!