And You Thought the Holidays Killed YOU???

I'm back...back from the dead. But I'm not a zombie or anything, so don't run away because of that. Run away for other reasons...like, I don't know ---I'm obnoxious, or maybe because I make fun of you after I talk to you.

It's CHRISTMAS...not Hanukkah (although it is), not Kwanzaa (made up, because every minority should have their own holiday)...it's not even Festivus, although I'm intrigued by the feats of strength, and telling people how much they've disappointed me. No, it's none of those. It's CHRISTMAS!! So when you see someone, you say "MERRY CHRISTMAS, (name inserted here)!" as loud as you can for everyone to hear. In fact, Wal-Mart is a good place to start. See how fast they swarm you, and take you to the back room with the dim light bulb. If you're in the ghetto, say "MERRY CHRISTMAS" as loud as you can. If you're in Israel, you say "MERRY CHRISTMAS" as loud as you can.

If you know anyone that is Politically Correct, tell them MERRY CHRISTMAS...in fact, yell it in their DAMN EAR! Say it in San Francisco, I dare you. Read the damn calendar. It doesn't matter if it's hot rods or pin-ups, December 25 is also labelled CHRISTMAS.

All you PC thugs, ACLU cardholders, and left-wing nutjobs can go STRAIGHT TO HELL ,BECAUSE IT'S CHRISTMAS!!!! Do you hear me? CHRISTMAS!! Do you get the point of this blog entry yet?? MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

In the News III

In Iraq, President Bush held a press conference with Iraqi President Nouri Al-Maliki, where he was accosted by an Iraqi reporter. The reporter threw his shoes at him, which, in Iraq, is considered a sign of contempt. After being ejected from the conference, and detained, the reporter stated, "He's lucky it was laundry day, because I was going to throw my underwear."

In celebrity news, Kanye West's performance on Saturday Night Live is being panned by critics because he opted to lip-synch rather than perform live vocals. When asked about this decision to lip-synch, Kanye replied, "What can I say, I've never been very good at singing. My real talent is in knitting and then pulling that wool over people's eyes."

In sports, the NHL suspended Dallas Stars defenseman Sean Avery 6 games for what they considered lewd comments directed at an ex-girlfriend now dating another player. The comment called the actress, Elisha Cuthbert, "sloppy seconds". In retaliation, the new boyfriend, Calgary Flames defenseman Dion Phaneuf, said of Avery, "Maybe now he'll have time to pursue that fashion career. Noooo, that's not gay at all."

Have a good upcoming week, everyone.

The Day the Planet Earth Stand Up Erection

Hey Baby, wake up from your asleep. My jeans are tight, and there's not much time.

Truer words have never been spoken. Seriously, I'll bet they've never been said.

Everybody Loves a Parade

So the annual Christmas parade took place here today. Wouldn't you know it, we had to go out shopping for a Christmas tree at the same time. The problem with that is every damn intersection I would normally pass through is ROADBLOCKED! I have to drive through every back street just to get to a non-parade intersection. Every year this happens. I'm putting parades #6 on my pet peeves list. Right behind shopping carts left in parking spaces (#5) and just ahead of jock itch (#7).

So, with that in mind, hear are my top 5 reasons for having a parade (other than being gay):

5. I-Just-Had-My-Semi Annual-Colonoscopy-with-Free-Suppository-Given-To-Me-After-Paying-the-Bill Parade (Grand Marshall: Paul the Angry Polyp)

4. Everybody-Look-At-Me-I-Know-How-To-Wave-And-Smile-While-Calling-You-Losers-Under-My-Breath Parade (with the award for Best Float going to Apathetic Beauty Queens for Whatever Charity You Make Me Sponsor).

3. Tupac-Shakur-Finally-Comes-Out-Of-Hiding Parade (with live cuts from his brand new double album "Fooled All Y'All, Sucka")

2. St Patrick's Day

1. I'm-26-Years-Old-And-I-Just-Had-My-First-Sexual-Experience (with the award for Most Inspirational Float going to I Just Replaced All of My Comic Books with These Robes and Massage Oils)

There you have it. Have a good Monday.

Don We Now Our GAY Apparel

You know, I was going to do the "news" but I haven't really seen any headlines that seem worthy of catching onto.

I was thinking about Christmas music, and to me, the most underappeciated song is Dogs Barking Jingle Bells.

I am in no way a traditionalist. I don't have any traditions, I don't much care for traditions. So when someone asks me what my favorite Christmas song is, I usually chime in with Dogs Barking Jingle Bells. So sue me. I like one-hit wonders. I was there with Dexy's Midnight Runners...I sang along with Right Said Fred...the Jingle Bell Dogs make me smile, and that's what Christmas is all about; smiling and receiving gifts.

When someone asks me what my favorite Christmas movie is I usually say this is...




I saw a Christmas tree in this movie. That makes it Christmas. OK?? Get over it!

The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins

I don't really have much to say. Work has been busy, so I'm mentally drained. I'm feeling uncreative and lazy so here's a damn video...




Any chance I get to mess with Trekkies...I TAKE IT! jIH 'oH ghobe' wa' is Klingon for SUCK IT, LOSERS!!

Attention Wal-Mart Shoppers: Douchebags in Aisle 7

I realize someone died in this mess, and I am not going to make light of THAT issue. This has happened in the past, and it appears that retailers do not learn from the past. Security should have been posted at every entrance, and before the doors opened, there should have been a guy with a megaphone or something telling the shoppers that they are to be orderly and respectful. But, of course the doors open and body parts go flying everywhere, and shit falls off the shelves, and lands on grandma's head; all for the sake of junior having a Merry Christmas.

Well, when the kids unwrap their gifts, I hope these people sit there and realize that the commercialization of the holidays caused that poor sap to get trampled.

Now, having said that, I need to go to bed with my laptop, so I can load songs onto my iPod, which I will connect to the car stereo as I drive to Target...Wal-Mart is too crazy for me.

I'm So Sleepy...This May Not Be Funny

Here in the US, it is Thanksgiving. We just returned from the in-laws where we had turkey, mashed potatoes with cheese, cranberries, jalapeno spinach, asparagus, and the tops...CORN PUDDING! The latter made by my hot-as-hell wife. Yes, folks...hot and a good cook. BE JEALOUS!

In honor of this day, I present to you the Top 5 Things Overheard at Thanksgiving Dinner....

5. Those aren't giblets in the gravy.

4. Happy Thanksgiving, Mom and Dad. I'm gay.

3. It will be interesting to see if Uncle Charlie brings a prostitute this year.

2. Remember the time when Grandpa Ned slathered stuffing all over his nipples?

1. Quick! Somebody turn the lights out! Dick Cheney is here for our Turkey of Mass Destruction!


Happy Thanksgiving. And to my readers in Canada...October??? WTF??

YouTube is Gay LOLOLOL!!!!!!11111

YouTube Contest Challenges Users To Make A 'Good' Video


It is my theory that YouTube posters have contributed to the mental downgrade that society has encountered. How else can you explain the non-stop influx of videos of skateboarders landing on their nutsacks; or some schmuck sitting in front of his webcam extolling he virtues of whomever is the latest Enterprise captain?

Use your camera for something useful like do-it-yourself colonoscopies, or how to properly heat up coffee in a microwave -- without the metal rim, thank you.

In the News II

-A new KFC was opened in the city of Fallujah in Iraq. You can get the traditional KFC menu items, with one curious addition -- the kids meal toy consists of two sticks and a Koran coloring book.

-Barack Obama has reportedly asked Hillary Clinton to be his Secretary of State; when asked for comment, Hillary's husband, former President Bill Clinton, stated, "I've already started personally interviewing for Hillary's intern."

-In celebrity news, Ashley Simpson and husband Pete Wentz, of the band Fall Out Boy, welcomed a baby boy to their family; they named their son Bronx Mowgli Wentz. Yeah. They really did. When asked where they came up with the name, they replied, "We asked Ozzy Osbourne if he had any ideas, and this is what we THOUGHT he said."

-Now, with some commentary on a topic off the top of his head...FELIX, THE GAYING MANTIS....





Good Lord, HELP US!!!

Goodnight.

It's No Football in the Groin...

If you're hungry, and you need a Snickers, be friends with an equally hungry FAT GUY. Watch the slow-mo...the roaring is hilarious, in my opinion. The guy should now be able to etch glass with his nipples.

Stupid people rule the planet Earth.

Come Sail Away with Me

With the holiday season upon us, I acknowledge the fact that people like to travel for the season; they plan their vacations around the holidays, generally showing their friends that they're better than everyone else. Everyone wishes them well, and then through their smiling teeth, they wish they get a bad case of food poisoning, and CRAP their lower intestines out in the middle of the Baltic Sea, because HOW DARE YOU SHOW ME HOW MUCH YOU MAKE!

On that note, here are some rejected slogans for travel brochures for countries where your friends and co-workers are likely bound to NOT stay, and the places where YOU are bound to stay instead, because you don't make as much.













Enjoy your vacation, LOSERS!

What's In Your Cabinet?

So President-elect Barack Obama has some cabinet choices to make. I would like to throw my two cents in (ironically, it's all I have anyway) in making some worthwhile picks for him.

Secretary of State:



Gary Busey.

Let's send Gary Busey around the world, meeting with leaders; he could show them how to play guitar, he could have them watch his greatest movie ever, Eye of the Tiger, and he could regale them with tales of glitz and glamour, and share his opinions on world affairs. Then he could get lost, and nobody would ever find him. Except maybe the show Celebrity Rehab: Amsterdam.

Treasury Secretary:



MC Hammer.

Honestly, what better choice to watch over the country's economy than this man? He was a very rich man, who sqaundered his fortune away on entourages and bling. He is like a Phoenix rising from the ashes. He's been poor, he knows what it's like. He will take the US economy and raise it back to the level it once had. All Obama needs to do is keep him away from the local Hummer dealership. Three words for the American people: MEDALLIONS FOR EVERYBODY!!!

Secretary of Defense:



Richard Simmons.

He would have the US military in shape, for sure. He would also have our soldiers in touch with their softer side, ensuring the safety of those they are protecting. Let's face it, no country would threaten the US and it's allies again, because they would be faced with years of torture if captured. Sweatin' to the Oldies...skimpy shorts...white thighs...those hands...*shiver* Truly, the US military has found it's secret weapon. C'MON GIRLS, LIFT THOSE LEGS HIGHER!!!!

Secretary of Education:



Michael Moore.

O All-Knowing One, teach us. Lead us in to the blissful land that is education. Show us the facts and the truth as you know them. See to it that no child is left behind. And let's see how many films you make while Bush is out of office. You have no material left, so you may as well spend your time doing something, right? O Intelligent Being, show us the way to enlightenment.

This Cabinet is most certainly empty.

In the News....?

President-elect Barack Obama and his wife Michelle are deciding on the decor of the White House after inauguration; they are undecided as to design a bowling alley or a basketball court. When asked about his opinion on this, current President George W Bush stated,"I just hope they don't tear down my giant, inflatable ball tent."

In Denver, a man was arrested on charges of harassment, when he grabbed a female college student by the shoulder, and told her she was pretty. Ironically, the man was sentenced to 6 months in jail with a cell mate named Paul, who will tell him HE is pretty everyday.

In celebrity news, Michael Jackson's Neverland Ranch has been sold. However, upon arrival of the new owners, they proclaimed, "It smells like baby powder and wine around here!".

According to actor Josh Brolin, President George W Bush has seen Oliver Stone's movie based on him, "W" in which Brolin plays the President. Bush has claimed to like the film, but expressed disappointment with the fact that they cut the scene where he went down the Super Fun Slide at Six Flags.

One more thing before I go...I want to introduce FELIX, THE GAYING MANTIS....




Thanks for reading.

Obama Finds Osama in Alabama --- On a Llama

Obama Win Causes Obsessive Supporters To Realize How Empty Their Lives Are

This sums up left-wing supporters to a tee. IT'S OVER! SHUT UP ALREADY!! YOU WON!!! GET OVER IT!!!! I'm no right-wing, bible-toting, grumpy-old-men's party McCain lover, but CLEARLY Obama supporters were the most OBNOXIOUS of either party. They're like the guy at the party who talks about nothing but sports, and has a favorite team; then when someone else brings up THEIR team, he shouts "THEY SUCK!" and backs it up by passing out on the couch after vomiting in the backyard.

I know you understand that analogy. If you don't, email your complaints to chris@idontgiveashit.org

No Riots, Please

Stephen Hawking is known for being a frickin' genius. He is a British physicist, and one of the smartest men in the world. He has ways in which he could manipulate the economy, has some ideas on international policies, and can feed the hungry. Above everything else, his Speak-n-Spell voice box gives memorable, inspiring speeches to millions of British. Too bad he couldn't come up with a better campaign poster, because the Labour Party could ride his star to the top.





A Trekkie convention-free England! Who WOULDN'T want to move there??

All McCain Needed Was a Cool Poster

Well, it's the day after. The majority are applauding the election; there are some who are doomin'-and-gloomin' it. Me, I don't doom-and-gloom much, but I'm also not applauding. I'm like the audience in a Japanese Kabuki theatre ---I know what I'm seeing is happening, but I don't give a fuck because I'm hungry.

Maybe McCain failed because he didn't have a slogan like "Time for a Change", or a campaign poster that made him appear hip and cool to the younger voters.

For the remainder of the week, I'm going to present some campaign posters from other elections around the world that were rejected for reasons that escape me.

First off, my home country, Canada. Did you know that Michael J Fox considered running for Prime Minister? Maybe he called that whole deal off because of THIS controversial campaign poster........*click the pic*





I don't know....I would have voted for him. French BASTARDS!

Don't Look at Me...I Voted for Kodos

So, here in the US, as everyone knows and certainly doesn't need me to tell them, it's the eve of Election Day. We've all read the polls, and everyone has their opinions. I'm not here to give my opinion on the candidates; the Democrats would call me Republican, and the Republicans would call me Democrat. Also, I'm Canadian by birth, and not quite American yet, so therefore, I'm unable to vote anyway.

I do have an opinion on the two-party system; it is so bi-partisan that it has divided the country, maybe even North America. Everyone is either red or blue, conservative or liberal, and the one side disagrees with the other side on everything; there is no common ground. THIS is the aspect of politics that I dislike. Both sides blame the other for the bi-partisanism, but neither side wants to fix it. So if someone goes to the polls and votes straight Democrat or straight Republican, and by that, misses the RIGHT CANDIDATE, that destroys the system. So be sure and KNOW your candidates before you vote, and not their party.

On that note, let me leave you with MY perfect candidate, if I was able to vote....

One More Bout with the Halloween SPIRIT!!!

So I'm just relaxing around the house, because Halloween isn't so big in the area we live in. We've only had one caller (albeit 6 kids at once, one of which claimed he was dressed as Barack Obama, who also helped himself to the most candy from our small dish), and it's 8:30 PM. I was reflecting on the few times I participated in Halloween as a kid, and trying to remember the worst treat I ever picked up.



I was once the lucky recipient of a small sack of pennies, I guess because that way I could go out and buy my own candy instead of hassling a complete stranger for theirs. In essence, isn't that what Halloween is all about? Sending your kids out into the streets, begging for food. It's a celebration of the realities of homelessness and the lower-class welfare hand-outs.



Maybe one of THESE in your Halloween welfare sack will make your kid think twice, and actually move out and get a job, putting their true talents to good use.....

That's right. VIOLENTLY RABID FERRET-LOOKING THINGS!! Check your kids bags before letting them eat.

Happy Halloween ;-)

The Halloween SPIRIT!!!!

Well, I'm usually not one to get into the Halloween spirit. It stems from an imaginationless childhood where I didn't like those stupid store-bought costumes that never looked like what you were supposed to be, and the fact that I was poorer than dirt and couldn't afford to make my own. Your typical bedsheet with the holes cut out for your eyes, in my hometown anyway, got you confused with your local KKK outfit and were mistakenly invited to meetings, and then eventually voted Grand Dragon. Ooops!

Anyway, speaking of the Klan...here is my winner for WORST KIDS COSTUME EVER....

I promise you, this is not my kid. I don't have any kids; but if I did, I would dress him up as God and send him to this house so he could HAVE MERCY ON THEIR SOULS!!!

Happy Halloween.

Can the Montana

I swear, if you have little girls under the age of 13 in your house, I'm begging you PLEASE...for the love of humanity, if not for Miley's soul...stop the Hannah Montana monstrosity, before you destroy a human life! Teach them about the damn Smurfs or something.

Check out that awesome news ticker while you're at it.

F@#%IN' B@#%H!!

Remember people...if you are sensitive towards the plight of the elderly, they can really be assholes. I'm just saying, forewarned is forearmed.

Welcome to Intermittent Sanity

http://elections.foxnews.com/2008/10/27/government-foils-skinhead-plot-assassinate-obama/


So, the plan called for driving their car at Obama as fast as they could while shooting at him. It took two guys to come up with this? I love the comment "officials could not describe how advanced or credible the plot was." I'm thinking that two rednecks planning on driving their car really, really fast at the man and shooting him comes under the category NOT TOO ADVANCED and therefore, NOT TOO HARD FOR OFFICIALS TO FIND THESE GUYS. Great work, guys...high fives all around.

And for all you potential redneck assassins out there, here's a piece of advice: next time you plan an assassination on a political figure, it's best not to leave your "plot" on that there paper bag.